Wow, it’s been awhile since I wrote here.
My life since the last post, has changed quite a lot. It’s such an cliché to say that “it’s a long story”, but to tell the truth, it really is. Full of drama, excitement, happiness, sadness and of course, love.
You know, today I started to consider love being just like mirror. It really isn’t a mirror if it doesn’t have a reflection. Then it’s just a window, because windows can only create mirages. And I’ve learned pass my life that love isn’t love if you only have a mirage and not the whole reflection. Love is just like mirrors, because when you are broken, you feel shattered, and you feel lost, because there’s no longer someone to reflect on but just you.
Everyone wise enough are always talking about that “you don’t know love until you have lost it” Well, I like to pretend that is true, BUT you definitely know when you are about to lose it. So we have a contradiction: You don’t know love, but yet you feel you are losing it, although you haven’t lost it yet. So it is inevitable that you must know love even when you haven’t yet lost it. I’m never letting that happen to me, I don’t want to lose something that makes everything clearer.
Few years back I said that the greatest feeling in the whole wide world is the feeling of realization. The glimpse of overjoy you see in someones eyes when they realize they are being loved and cared. Now I know another greatest moment/feeling. This is my story.
You’re going out with your dear bellowed friends. You decide to go to the movies, and you thought that you should inform your loved one about your plans. Date and time and thing like that. You appear to the movies, step in to the theater and enjoy the show. You are walking out of the movie theater, and you dial the number of your dear and in that minute you hear their cellphone ringtone and you realize you are staring at the smile, you fell in love once, at that particular moment. And you hear the words, “Hi honey, you ok?” You can’t do nothing but flash him a smile of your clean pearly whites.
It’s a funny thing this life. It’s everything you make it, and it took me this freaking long to realize that. I have to take back the time when I wasn’t really living the dream. Now I am, and I wish no one would ever wake me up again. Just the opposite to ‘Sleeping beauty’.
<3<3<3 Third times the luckiest time. <3<3<3
I’ve told that there are moments when you have the possibility to realize what and who people really are. Last Friday I realized that I’ve been that stupid to believe that everyone is my friend, but also I’ve been that wise to know that everyone can be your enemy. I noticed that there really are moments when the frontier of trust is really foggy and you might even wonder if there is one at all.
I thought I knew who people were but perhaps I was wrong. My best friend, might not be my best friend and the friends I’ve left behind might be my best friends after all. I don’t know anyone who I could trust completely. Yes, my dear friends, I don’t trust you completely, but I’m not hiding that. I never look back and I never walk the same steps after I’ve already walked away. That is just because I know there will always be someone who is going to stab my back. This has happened to me too many times to keep my guard up but not that many for not to forget.
I suffer for a minor memory-loss. Saturday I realized that I’ve got nothing left to give and I’m totally empty inside. People I used to love, well, I do not love them anymore, for I can’t remember them. “Love is everlasting” but no it’s not. I understand now that I’m not the same person I was before the summer, and the person that I am now…Well, she is someone I don’t want to be. I feel hollow, empty, like a person without a shadow. Like I can’t make a mark in anything I do, I keep sliding through making no mark.
I have to be truly honest. I might seem perfectly happy, but that isn’t the whole truth. I’ve lost about 10 years of my life and crashed my hand and I feel more lonely than ever. People keep talking how happy other people make them, but it’s really hard to reply to that for I have nothing that would make me happy, well not for the moment. “oisin seurassa pilkallinen, kun en kestäís niiden onnea” It’s like I said, smile is a fragile spectacle I like to play to fool the world, fool me to believe everything is great.
I don’t want your sympathy, I don’t want your pictures. I don’t want to go to sleep, for I know I’ll be seeing the same nightmare aver and over and over.
In my head I break this down and all I can figure out is “I’m sorry”
I love movies, TV-shows and comics.
Everything made up for us for the sake of entertainment is always so black-and-white. You know who are the bad guys and who are the good guys. In real life you can never know that. The good guys might in the end be the bad guys, so in real life we have to make exceptions and compromises.
Life isn’t just black-and-white, sometimes we see everything in shades of grey and that makes life worth living for. If everything is what you see them to be, where’s the thrill in that?
Let me tell you about my week.
Monday I thought I crashed my world. Tuesday, well you saw the post I wondered who own my heart. Wednesday I kept wondering what it is that I adore and wish for. Thursday I fled away to Uusikaupunki, at least it felt like. Leaving without a car and carrying only one small bag, traveling light-weighted. I came home fro Uki on Friday and went to a bar. At this particular bar was supposed to be a concert. Cheek to be exact. (Jare Henrik Tiihonen) But somehow I missed it. Talking to some interesting people can be quite rewarding, but still I feel like that I should have seen the gig. Damn. Saturday I met my friend, who had been in Kurikka for a month, in another bar. But let me be clear, I was sober.
Today well, today. I had the nicest time since, I don’t remember. Oh yeah, Friday I was sort of left alone. Not really because him and I never actually were anything but still I spent most of my time with him. Friday and today people made me actually think about my situation. Today I realized that I was never even left alone, for I had been alone all the time. I thought I fell in love with this person, but as it figured out I had fallen in love for someone who was just like the man in my dreams. Not right. I never even loved him. I want to love someone for what they really are and not what I want them to be. And in this case, when he really was everything I wish for a man to be, I noticed that I was just falling in love with myself and my dreams. It’s like the song: With the touch of Midas, everything is gold and the value of it drops. I dream of it from far, otherwise it wouldn’t be a dream. (Kun midas koskettaa, kaikki on kultaa, ja sen arvo romahtaa. Ihailen sitä kauempaa, ei se muuten ole unelmaa)
But yeah today was a nice day. I was also reminded that smile is my elixir of life. If someone manages to take it away from me I wouldn’t have a reason to live. But because I am able to leave things in their own value I can continue smiling all the time no matter how much things hurt from the inside. Life is life and you just have to toughen up and live it.
Why can’t we a thanksgiving in Finland? Because we don’t have it I want to thank everyone for no reason. Everyone who has helped me realize what this world is and what it means to me are closer to me than I am myself. I thank you and I love you. Life’s great not going to give it up, because I’m happy and I’m smiling.
“And there’s is two more lonely people in the world tonight. Baby you and I are just two more lonely people, who gave up the fight, yeah I’m on the ride. Well, you know my heart is aching, you don’t have to brake it. If love don’t change your mind then there’s two more lonely people tonight.”
“who owns my heart, is it love or is it art?”
I was taking a stroll in our yard today. It was a beautiful autumn day with still some leaves in the trees, but most of them had already fallen down.
Autumn has so many amazing shades of yellow, orange and red. Such a glory of colors. I like colors, bright and surprising colors mostly. It’s more fun to look back to my memory lane and remember the happy colors, not the cold, sad colors. Maybe that’s the reason why I don’t like blue that much as yellow. Happy memories make me more happy.
A calm breeze from the north reminded me of the coming winter. It’s been quite a long time since I’ve seen a wedge of cranes, a really magical phenomenon. The cranes just get to go away, leave behind everything and just head for adventures, so they could return someday and everything would be like always. Oh, how I wish I could just fly away with the wind. Be that small leaf on the ground playing with the wind and ending somewhere far, far away. If I really were a leaf, I’d be from a multicolor maple tree. They are probably the most gorgeous leaves there is to see.
I lit a cigarette for I… I don’t actually know why, but just had a feeling of smoking one. I know smoking is unhealthy, so don’t judge me. I love the smoke of a cigarette. The way it floats in the air, changing it’s shades of grey and just being alive. Smoke is like fire, fiery, yet sometimes calm. Isn’t there a saying “no fire without smoke”? They’re like a pair, a double-pack. You want one, you get the other one for free… Fire… Passion…. Uncontrollable… Free… Desirable.
“Even a single small random act, like for instance a greeting left forgotten might be a reason for our planets destruction.” The butterfly effect…
I found an old toy today. One of those collapsible toys you get from Kinder eggs. I remember this toy. A new Holland excavator. I got in Denmark. We all, my dearest friends, bought an egg and we swore we would keep the toy in safe, so someday we could look back at that time in Denmark.
I got curious about how many peaces there were in that toy, so I took it apart. 5 peaces. But if I’m missing even one of the peaces, I wouldn’t get a excavator, it wouldn’t be complete. I’ts like building a house, building a home. Just a huge puzzle. A tile, sofa, radio, mother, half-sister, they’re all just peaces of the great big puzzle. And if you’re losing one peace, you’re most likely to lose every peace. Because as far as I can remember an empty heart doesn’t make a puzzle complete. Lose one, get none. The butterfly effect… Actually our whole life is a puzzle. School, friends and family are the things that make us who we are, our peaces. Of course there are hundreds of millions of other things that effect on what we are supposed to do and who we really are. I choose to believe that if really our life was a puzzle it would be created by our memories, or more like photos of our best moments in life. The photos would create an image of our portrait, a million photos becoming as one. “All for one and, one for all”, would describe this action the best way.
Just like Marilyn Monroe here, whose life was all in the magazines…
So next time when you here someone saying: “puzzles are boring, I don’t do them”, you can just answer that it’s easy for him to say because apparently he doesn’t have life to play. So far my life hasn’t been boring and I haven’t quit yet. I’ll keep putting my peaces together so that one day I might be as full and complete as some puzzles/lives have once been.
Today I met a man. Just a random man, who I did not know. And the man said to me:
“Don’t be scared. Don’t stop dreaming and take what you wish.”
And you know what? That’s exactly what I’m going to do. I Shouldn’t be this scared to live my life the way I want to live it. From now on. This is me.
I’m happy although I don’t know what I actually need for being happy. Happiness is a state of mind, and a feeling of victory, like no one can beat you. Like you’re high on a cloud and the smile just won’t stay away. Happiness is silence and noise, like a song. Yet it’s more than just the melody, it’s in fact the very soul of the song, the big picture. You know?
When I was young, my happiness was those moments with my brother just riding our bikes to get some ice cream. Or the moments when a Christmas present was pleasing. Nowadays I value happiness more and it’s a deeper and sentimental sort of thing. Do you know what it takes you to be happy? Do you remember what was your happiest moment ever in your life? Let’s think this more extensive; what is the best feeling in the whole wide world? Happiness? Love? Hate?… No, the best feeling is realization. The moment when you see your dearest friends, spouse or family realizing that people really do care and love them. And the things you can see from their teary eyes from those sparkling diamonds, magical, truly magical. The old saying is competent: “eyes are the mirrors of your soul”
Have you ever typed “happiness” to Google picture search? Well I have and all I got was trivial photos of smiles and smiley faces. Happiness isn’t just some thing you can describe with one picture. I know that “picture tells a thousand words” but still the smiley faces?! The human smile is fragile spectacle we can play to confuse people. Even though we are smiling you can’t really be sure that we are happy at that particular moment. Some of us are, some like playing games. I’m still saying that people should smile more. “Why so serious!?” like Heath Ledger said it, may he rest in peace. Even though life is a bitch and the loving mother nature has every day a perfect day for a murder, it’s not a reason not to smile.
Smile tells a half lifetime of a person, at least I swear to believe so. So please, keep on smiling, because when you smile, I smile and maybe someday the whole world smiles with us.